Thursday, June 29, 2017

Selamat Hari Raya

This is a tad late but i'm gonna wish you guys selamat hari raya anyway. After a month of fasting, I actually lose about 5kg and people noticed it right away, I am somewhere around 68kg-70kg before Ramadhan, so I guess it shows. 

Kalau korang perasan, kebanyakan iklan raya mesti pasal balik kampung and kesedihan. In my humble opinion, this has something to do with the great migration of kampung folks to major cities like Kuala Lumpur seeking for a better opportunities to provide for their families. Some of them won't be able to return to their hometown and thus the romanticisation of sadness during raya. 

As for me, I personally think that Raya is more than just a celebration marking the end of Ramadhan and beginning of Syawal. The very essence of raya is forgiveness. Which is why we have the phrase "maaf zahir dan batin" right after "selamat hari raya". 

By the way, thank you Penji for personally wishing me selamat hari raya on WhatsApp, the only blogger friend who did that. Haha.

Alhamdulillah, this year masih belum kena tanya soalan "bila nak kahwin?". The closer I got was "Jangan kahwin perempuan semenanjung, nanti susah nak balik raya." and that was from my uncle who have two menantu(s) from Kelantan and Pahang respectively. I am lucky that I have an older brother and sister who haven't marry yet, so the pressure is currently on them. But my older brother is almost 26 years old, he brought his girlfriend during our open house and my sister is in the process of knowing this guy, and I know it won't be long until my turn. But as far as i'm concerned, I'm just gonna enjoy my youth while it lasts. 

So, how's your raya?

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Swing Both Ways


First of all, i'm sorry for not updating anything for the past few months. I've been busy with tests and assignments. In fact, even midsem break haritu pun I spent the entire week for a vacation in Langkawi with my friends, and the last three days for a leadership camp in Pahang. I couldn't really find any time to write walaupun ada banyak idea. Masa masih jadi silent reader kan, selalu tertanya kenapa some of my favourite bloggers malas nak update blog diorang. Like, tak susah pun kot nak menaip and publish. But now that I have one of my own I finally understand the struggle of trying to keep your blog alive :') 

By the way, it is 2:44AM as i'm writing this so it's probably gonna sound a little bit silly. 

Dulu waktu masih study dekat matrikulasi (studied there for a half semester before i got accepted for asasi) I have this one male friend. Awal awal masuk class kitorang tak rapat langsung dan aku tak tahu bilik dia dekat hujung bilik aku. It wasn't until a month or so kitorang jadi rapat, pergi class sama sama, basuh kain dekat dobi sama sama, breakfast and lunch pun sama sama. Eventually, the day came when I have to leave matriculation, and he actually skipped his class to send me off and he was standing there crying while watching me. Itu kali pertama I saw a guy menangis because of me. We tried to keep in touch as much as we can, but I guess due to distance and different schedules, we stopped talking.

Last month, out of nowhere he suddenly dm-ed me on Instagram. I asked him if he is still together with his girlfriend and he said no. Then he said something that caught me off guard. 

"Nak tahu something tak, dulu waktu kita study dekat matrik aku sebenarnya suka kau lebih dari kawan. Waktu awal sem, aku try approach kau tapi kau lebih suka jalan sorang sorang. Bila kita dah start rapat, kau tinggalkan aku pula. Aku kecewa gaklah waktu tu, sampai nangis kot." Lepas dia meluah tu, aku macam tersentap jap sebab gaydar aku langsung tak boleh detect sexual orientation dia! He looks and act perfectly straight kot. Mind you, dia ada girlfriend juga waktu tu. 

The only thing I replied to him was ”Oh yeke, tak apalah. Banyak lagi lelaki kau boleh dapat dekat luar sana.” Hahaha! Truth be told, my one and only ex-boyfriend is a bisexual as well. I don't really have any good experience handling with guys who swing both ways. After our break up, my ex told me to find a girlfriend and get married because one day when we're old, we will need someone to be by our side and it won't be a person with the same gender as us. He probably meant well with that statement but waktu tu sumpah rasa nak tumbuk muka dia, but the only thing I did was left his room and hold back my tears. I kinda feel like bisexuals have more advantages than us gays. I mean, korang still ada nafsu kot dengan opposite gender, still boleh ada zuriat, boleh hidup dengan 'normal'. 

It is probably why everytime some guy introduce themselves as a bisexuals I tend to get a little sceptical, but not to the point where I've become biphobia of course. Guess I just don't really know how to deal with them . 

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

You Okay?

I think one of the biggest trait in myself that I feel is both a gift and a curse is my tendency to try and fix broken people. In fact, I think I might be attracted to them. There's just something about sad broken people – maybe it's because I need to be needed or maybe it makes me feel important that some people went to me and show the opposite side of them they don't just show to anyone else, or maybe I just really want to help, I don't know. 

My ex was struggling with self-acceptance when I first met him, he can't accept the fact that he is attracted to both boys and girls. I knew about it and I loved him anyway. At first I thought it was just a phase that every jock guys went through before discovering themselves. It wasn't later after we broke up and I went to his room at 4am in the morning when I finally saw his real self, an insecure and confused broken hearted boy, he was too depressed that he asked me to stay for the night and said ”I'm sorry you saw me at my worst.” He left to London for good a few weeks after that.

Sometimes, I would randomly send a text message to my close friends if I haven't seen them for a period of time. Asking if they are okay and almost immediately, they would open up to me. Never have I asked them to share their personal stories, but the fact that they did shows how much people underestimate the power of  genuine deep conversation. This is one of the reason why I don't do one night stand or even settle less than what I deserve, it's because I'm the kind of person that need more emotional touch rather than just physical. If we were to date, we would end up not sleeping at night talking about the alternate universe where we shouldn't hide our love for each other or even little details like where did you get those scars on your right arm and does it hurt when you broke up with your first love. God, sometimes I am embarassed of how much I can feel these whole emotions rushing inside of me. 

I talked about this with my bestfriend once and something he said that I will always remember and appreciate – ”If you can love the wrong people who gives zero shit about you that much, just imagine how much you can love the right one.” 

And maybe it's true, maybe I shoudn't change how I treat people or even be embarassed about it, I just have to wait for the right person to come.

Sunday, March 12, 2017

New Semester

Hello everyone, I've been busy lately as I just started my new semester, settled everything in my rented room and sorted out all of my classes. I'm taking a total of 26 credit hours this semester, meaning 9 subjects altogether. So far everything seems good although my friends keep asking me why I didn't contact any of them during the semester break, and some was actually offended that I didn't even bother to respond their messages in the WhatsApp group. To be honest, I've been keeping some distance with everyone, kinda need a social break, I stopped posting and updating anything on my Instagram and Twitter. But with this new semester, I have some new resolutions. First of all, I want to pass all of my subjects that I took, I know 9 subjects is a lot, which is why I have to work extra harder to achieve this, I'll try to go out less and spend more of my time studying and doing revision this semester. Secondly, I want to avoid all kind of drama be it with my friends or those people who doesn't like me, I made a mistake of entertaining some unnecessary drama that shouldn't have happened in the first place last semester and it affected me physically and mentally, hence the social break during semester break. Thirdly, I want to make the most of my time, I want to do something that I know future me will appreciate - reading more books, write more on my blog, get to know more positive people, join more academic events and etc. Fourth, to choose my battle carefully, not all battle are worth fighting for. For example, if someone talk trash about you to try and bring you down, you don't fight by talking bad about them as well, you rise higher and be the bigger person. Time will always show the truth. 

Also, if any of you here, I mean a blogger/non-blogger who wants to make a meet up or just casual hanging out, just let me know, it would be nice to actually have someone I can talk to about anything and just express myself :)

Monday, February 27, 2017

Self-realization

There is nothing good ever happens after 2am and when i'm left alone with my thoughts, I can't help but think of how will I die and that if life begins with consciousness, is there ever life after death? If, just if, there is life after death, and i'm not talking about judgement day, what does it look like? Will you be able to remember who you are and everything before you?

You see, we have planned this whole life ahead of us, we have dream of what our future holds - graduating from college, work a decent job, get married, have children and grow old. But what if it doesn't turn out as what we expected?

The concept of death seems very familiar to us, we all have lose someone that is dear to us, be it our friends or family. Let's turn the table, imagine we're the one leaving them behind, the concept of death then become something foreign - will I die in an accident? Will my last breathe would be on my bed? how will people react during my funeral? will people remember me? 

I know I shouldn't think too much about this, thinking of death can stop us from really living life. But somehow thinking about it allowed me to view everything in a bigger picture, I stopped taking care of those little petty stuff, and most of all I learned to be kinder and more forgiving to everyone around me knowing that I can leave them at any moment. I chose the path of least resistence, to stop being so angry and holding grudges everytime someone do me wrong. I'm not saying that it makes me a better person than everyone else, no. But it does give me a sense of self-realization knowing that I did everything I could to make a difference in my life. 


Thursday, February 16, 2017

Result

I just received my exam result earlier this morning. I honestly thought that I'm gonna fail at least one subject. 

Sebelum jawab paper tu, sumpah rasa blank as fuck walaupun dah buat revision banyak kali. Mungkin sebab fikir banyak sangat sampai lupa nama case. Then, duduk diam, tengok semua orang jawab dengan penuh confident, siap minta extra answer sheet padahal aku tak habis pun lagi jawab semua soalan part A, lagi tambah cuak. Pastu keluar pergi toilet jap, basuh muka and tarik nafas dalam dalam, masuk exam hall balik and tulis every cases yang dapat ingat, walaupun tak pasti nama case tu betul ke tak. Haha.  

Tu pun masih struggle, sebab untuk part B (two essay questions), jawapan aku hanya satu muka surat setengah je, selalunya dua muka surat. Lepas habis jawab paper tu, keluar exam hall dengan perasaan redha, tak apa lah gagal pun, next sem apply extra credit hours untuk ambil subject ni balik.

Bila result keluar, tak tengok CGPA dulu, scanned all subjects dulu tengok ada perkataan FAILED ke tak. Haha. Alhamdulillah, semua PASSED. Subject yang aku rasa aku akan gagal tu pun dapat grade yang aku langsung tak expect. 

Sekarang ni nak fikir bila nak tunaikan nazar aku. Lepas habis final exam aku ada buat nazar, aku akan puasa seminggu kalau aku lulus semua subject. Mungkin akan start before puasa kot. 

Also, kena get ready untuk registration subjects next semester, sebab kalau lambat akan terpaksa masuk kelas yang start pukul 8 pagi. Aku paling benci kelas pukul 8 pagi, last sem lambat bangun untuk submit proposal FYP dan kena marah habis habisan oleh lecturer, pastu insaf dah, no more 8AM classes for me. 

P/S: Please pray for Kahlil to again pass all his subjects next semester, amin. 

Monday, February 13, 2017

Unrequited

un·re·quit·ed
ˌənrəˈkwīdəd/
adjective
  1. (of a feeling, especially love) not returned or rewarded


At least once, at one point in our lives, there would be someone that we shouldn't fall in love with but we did anyway, and we love with all of our heart and still it wouldn't be enough. Simply because that person doesn't feel the same way and there is nothing we can do to make them. 

In my whole 21 years of living, I have fell in love twice. The first one was with my ex and the second one, unfortunately, with my own bestfriend. 

I know what you guys are thinking, it's a no no to fall in love with your own bestfriend. In fact, it should be the first rule in any gay dating book to forbid us from falling in love with our own bestfriend. It will ruin everything you have together. Especially if your bestfriend is a straight guy that look like one of those actor in TV3 seven pm drama. 

I didn't always love him though, I mean in all seriousness I didn't expect that within our three years of close friendship, one day I would fall in love with him. Just like that, no warning or sign. 

I'm not sure when was the exact moment I realized that I was in love with him. Okay, I lied. It was actually during his performance on our mock trial night. He was one of the main actor and he did really well that the whole hall applauded wildly at the end of the mock trial. And then everyone went to him to congratulate and wanted to take photos with him. 

He was surrounded with his friends and new fans and I just stand in the corner watching him with adoration. As I was about to leave, he shouted my name, with a frowning expression he said "tak nak ambil gambar dengan aku ke?" so I went near him and then suddenly he hugged me real tight, in front of everyone. It was then when I felt so warm inside and i'm sure I love him. Cliche, I know.

It's also very weird because we were always bickering with each other. Not the serious kind of fight, but the petty ones. He would always make some stupid comment about me and asked the most annoying stuff like "Mana jawline kau menghilang? dah kena cover dengan lemak ke?"

We actually got into our first big fight last year. We didn't talk to each other until a few days before the mock trial. I'm stucked in the same car with him and together with our other friends going out for lunch, and one of them asked if I'm going to go to the mock trial or not, I don't know what got me at that time, but I answered no, I'm not going to come to the mock trial because I have other stuff to do. He looked at me, with an irritated tone he said "Kau tahu kan aku berlakon?" without even waiting for my response he turned his face away. 

What I like the most about him is that he cares a lot about what I think. Eventhough he won't admit about it, he take everything seriously if it comes from my mouth. He would go to me for about everything. His relationship problem with his girlfriends, whether he should cut his hair or not and one time while I was taking my evening nap, he called me and told me to check my iMessage because he need an opinion about which blazer he should buy, walaupun dia tau yang aku sangatlah moody and grumpy kalau evening nap aku kena kacau. 

I guess that is also why we got into that big fight in the first place, I accidently said to one of our friend that he is a fuckboy although I don't mean it in a bad way, it was a casual conversation and he found out about it. He got really hurt, he stopped talking to me and wouldn't even sit next to me in class. Tapi waktu tu tak perasan lagi lah dia terasa, sebab aku pun ego tinggi juga like suka hati kau lah nak merajuk, tak ada masa nak layan. Padahal aku pun tengah geram waktu tu sebab tak tahu kenapa dia merajuk sampailah kawan aku bagitau yang dia terasa pasal aku gelar dia fuckboy, Lepas tau tu pun aku tak minta maaf terus because we've been calling names since forever, tetiba aku gelar fuckboy terus nak touching pula.

It was the night before the mock trial when I took the first step of breaking the silence and send him a good luck text. He replied immediately asking if i'm going to come and watch him. Of course I would be there, I wouldn't miss it for the world. 

There was two things i realized after that night. First, 'well shit' I am in love with my own bestfriend. Secondly, I have the power to hurt him even if I don't have the intention to do so. 

I am a lot of thing but I am not delusional. I know exactly where I stand. He doesn't love me like how I love him and even if I can turn him and make him love me more than just friends, I wouldn't want to do that. It's a cruel thing to do, I don't want him in my shoes. 

But what I want for him is to have a family of his own one day, I want him to have a beautiful wife who can take care of him and wonderful children and I want to be there to witness it, to make sure that he's happy. '

His words that make me and break me at the same time.
It's gonna take me a really long time, but i'm in a process of letting everything go, of all these. It's definitely not easy, I can tell you that much but i'm trying my best. Still water is easily tainted, flowing water remains clean. Your refusal to flow is what will break you.

So tell me, have you ever fall in love with someone you shouldn't?